i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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