He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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