i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
