we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
