I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize