My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
