the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
