Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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