Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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