i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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