I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
