Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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