I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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