Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
