hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
