You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
