Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
