Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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