I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
