i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
