Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
