I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
