woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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