"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
