did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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