i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
