Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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