Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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