I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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