watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's never too late to be topless.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
