Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
