there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
