Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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