so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
