Your face is a jimmy john
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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