New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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