not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
