Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize