The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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