I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
