I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
