You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
