Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
