so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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