im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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