So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
