oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
