I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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