i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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