I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
