I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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