she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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