1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
