i think my mom watched the whole time
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
