3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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