Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
