I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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