can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
