Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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