I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
